This post is part of the Litebeing Chronicles Change Challenge which is an almost yearly event that I’ve participated in years past. This year’s theme is change, and more specifically how living through this unprecedented time has provided insights and evolution that have changed me. It’s a theme that anyone could probably write a novel about so I encourage all of you to keep the theme going and write about your own changes during this year wherever it is you like to write. It seems to help solidify growth and progress when you can really look at it and put it into words. I saw a post somewhere, probably IG, that said, “Make a done it list instead of a to-do list for once.” I’m not sure if that was the exact wording but I like the thought behind it.
This year was so full of change that I had the distinct feeling in March that not only had a chapter ended in my life, but an entire book was abruptly slammed shut and a new one opened with crisp white pages but rather rigid rules. My sons and I moved from the only house they’ve known in March, the day after our district’s schools shut down due to the pandemic, and the exact same day that I received the news that my divorce was official. Funnily enough, that happened to be Friday the 13th and the move was indeed a difficult one. The packing process was emotionally draining as I found all the forgotten mementos of our life as a family of four, all the letters and photos, souvenirs and homemade cards. Even while trying to sort out which books were mine and which were my ex’s, a seemingly straightforward activity, I ran into romantic dedications on the inside covers, and memories of when it felt right tucked in at night with our respective books and the safe comfort of knowing the person next to me was meant to be there. When had that changed? Long before 2020, but it was this year I had to confront it all over and over again. Not only that, but I am not a natural planner/organizer so packing and moving as the only adult in a household of three was intensely difficult from a logistics point of view. My sons would try to help but I did 95% of it myself and had trouble with movers who canceled twice on me. Then I had to set up a new house on my own which again, was logistically difficult and did not play to my strengths to say the least. I loved the house from the start though and I am relieved to be out of that house that held so many memories and so much pain. This house we live in now is smaller and by most standards not as “nice” as the one we moved from, but I am grateful for it every single day. It is cozy, it’s in a phenomenal location, and I feel like I can breathe freely here.
This is all especially good because we have been in some sort of lock-down ever since moving here! I had no idea we’d be spending so much time within these walls when we moved in, as in all day everyday for months on end, so the gratitude I have for finding this place and the moving process being over is immense. In the beginning there were so many appliance and other issues with the house that it was causing a lot of extra stress after we were already strung out from the move itself. I could see how much the stress was weighing on the kids so I decided to try to lighten it all up with a bit of fun and told the kids we were going to hold a ritual to appease the house appliance spirits. I used our dog’s toy sheep as the sacrifice and let them stab it after some words of praise and pleading to the divine overlords of the house. I thought it was hilarious but only my youngest son understood I was having a bit of fun and thought it was comical. My older son thought I had lost my marbles and I later had to explain I was trying to make them laugh, not cause him more concern. He was relieved. Our pup was not amused whatsoever.
Other changes have been less dramatic and clear cut, but I’ve spent more time meditating since I’ve had more time on my hands and that has been intensely rewarding. I’ve returned to outdoor running, something that I’d given up due to hills bothering my knee, but I guess my knee has healed because I run hills almost every day now and it’s been my favorite part of the day. I like to run as soon as the sun is up and it sets my entire day up on a happy note. It is one of those subtle things that turns out to be life changing over time.
Our eating habits have changed and I have to say that it hasn’t been for the better. Without the more rigid schedules of school and work, the three of us tend to want meals at different times and cooking/eating has seemed like a full time activity in this house which has worn down my enjoyment of it. I used to like cooking a lot more than I do now and I desperately need to find a solution to this overwhelming issue, and I might have found one. I am going to try a home delivery service that delivers meals and also deli style grocery items that can be easily added to sandwiches or salads. I’ve never tried something like this and it feels like a cop-out for some reason, but I am going to give it a go anyway and see if the boys can take care of some more of their own meals if they just have to warm it up. If it turns out well I’ll share which delivery service it is but if this first one doesn’t work out I might try another until I hit upon something that works for us. One of my friends is fond of saying you have to accept where you are and do what you have to do, and this falls into that category. I know it’s a temporary situation that just needs some support for the time being, not a permanent lifestyle change.
One last personal change to share, though there are so many others from this year that I’m leaving out because this is already long enough, is that I’ve been feeling more and more myself during this year. The years preceding 2020 were harrowing years of a spiraling downward marriage, then the divorce, so in many ways 2020 has been a respite from the emotional confusion and drowning. It has offered me a quieter year where I could heal, reconnect with the parts of myself that are not stuck in survival mode, and begin to see the light and beauty in the world again. As strange and stressful as the year has been, I’ve been grateful for it every single day.
I hold out hope that all the ugliness that this year has exposed will start to heal too. I hope people embrace more compassion, more simplicity and quietness, more care for the earth and their fellow humans, and more understanding of how interconnected we all are. This year shined a light on all the divisiveness, nastiness, and ugliness that haunt humanity’s worst instincts, which ultimately is a good thing since hidden things cannot be healed. The shadow self creates regrettable behavior and judgement, whether it is the shadow self of an individual or of a collective, and I truly believe that the more we as individuals look at our own shadow selves and work to bring the light in, that work will transcend individual lives and light up the collective.
The closer we are to nature and our surrounding communities, the more connected we are as humans, in touch with our roots and our common humanity. As William Shakespeare said, “One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.”
Thank you for reading and let me know if you write your own reflection on how living through 2020 has changed you.
Love and light💜✨