The Modern Woman and True Tales of Divorce

For those of you who don’t know me personally, I’d like to share that I’m currently going through a divorce. I won’t be sharing specifics here, but it’s been rather difficult the last few months to carry on with the pace of things that modern motherhood dictates, to say the least, as well as continue to consistently write, look for more freelance and herbal work, give herbal and English classes, look for more ESL work, realizing all the education and experience I have don’t readily add up to any sort of mainstream job, especially one with benefits, meanwhile going through intense grief equal to death of a loved one and being a full-time mom to two teenage sons and shielding them from the worst of things, plus all my family and closest friends are thousands of miles away. That’s all I intend to say about that, and don’t worry, I’m making it through and have found pieces of myself I’d completely forgotten about over the years and I’m very happy to get reacquainted with those bits and explore where they will take me. (More on this at the bottom of this post.) This is all just to say, that this article I found on the natural media site (New Hope Network) of which I am a part really struck a chord. You don’t have to be a mom or going through a divorce to know deep down that this modern set-up we call life is deeply out of balance and wrong on many levels. All the talk about self-care seems so…..superficial to me most of the time. When I read those self-care tips I always think, it’s not enough. It’s not enough to schedule a hot bath and mask on Sundays, or meditate 10 minutes a day, or get 30 minutes of exercise or 10,000 steps. The pace of things is just not sustainable when life is so full of distractions and deadlines and agendas. I don’t know about you but mostly those tips make me stressed out about being expected to add yet another thing to my plate.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, please read on. This article below by Julie Marshall has not only a couple of darkly funny and wholly relatable stories (you aren’t alone!) she has some tips for easing the overwhelm. Personally, I need to get better at delegating and letting the kids help more. It’s always good to see these reminders because daily life goes by so quickly that it’s easy to think if you just power through a day the next one will be easier. Powering through can only last so long though.

Here’s the article which I’m sharing as part of the New Hope Influencer Co-op, a network of health and wellness bloggers committed to spreading more health to more people. Scroll to the end for more real talk about divorce.):

Task Masteress

Facing an online work deadline while making dinner for her visiting parents, 11-year-old twins and one emotional teenager, the final straw for Katherine Kingston
was the moment her tired, overworked husband walked in the door and started complaining about his workload.

“I’d had it,” says Kingston, who also works part-time from home. “I walked out the door.”

Overburdened and stressed-out women like Kingston are not hard to find, according to articles and blogs nationwide. Look in the mirror, or talk to your best friend or neighbor, and you will discover another household taskmaster who is juggling work, volunteering, raising kids, and managing every detail that falls between morning and night.

Experts have a name for it: Mental overload, the process in which women who multitask as the CEO of the household try to balance ridiculously busy lives. Underlying the managing of digital calendars, chauffeuring kids to piano lessons and meeting work deadlines is the emotional labor women undergo to manage the feelings and emotions of everyone circling within their orbit—and all of this adds up to serious emotional and physical tolls.

This health scenario affects all women of all ages and lifestyles, experts say. But there are many things women can do to alleviate stress and find balance, including exercise, meditation and advocating for their own health.

The day she walked out the door, Kingston ended up at a friend’s house, where she found relief in a cup of tea and a compassionate ear. “It’s one thing I do that really helps.”

Serious Symptoms

As a naturopathic doctor at Boulder Natural Health in Boulder, Colorado, Rosia Parrish sees an increasing number of women suffering fatigue, weight gain and overall neglect of their health, she says.

“It’s because they are so taxed caretaking for others, and they don’t prioritize their own health,” she says. It’s these women who wind up with hypertension, prediabetes, obesity, hair loss, insomnia and low libido.

These are serious symptoms and conditions that can get worse, in some cases leading to anemia, heart failure, thyroid disorders, autoimmune disease, viral infections, digestive disorders and more, Parrish says.

Self-care is important, and Parrish advises a host of options, such as mindful practices, breathing exercises, staying hydrated, being in nature daily, exercising often, taking daily Epsom salt baths and getting adequate sleep.

For Kingston, knitting, pottery and time with friends help her relax, refocus and de-stress, but her favorite decompression method is a dance class at a local calming yoga studio.

“There’s always a motivational theme in class,” she says. “Last week was creativity as it relates to dance and to life. I was able to move about freely, while being introspective and creative.
I got mind, body and emotional health in just one class.”

Summer is a great time to dance, because it’s the hardest time of year, says Kingston, 42, who has the twins and a 14-year-old at home, and a husband who works 60-plus-hour weeks outside the house. In addition, her elderly and
ill parents recently moved to town so she can help with their care.

“The problem is that I can never get away from work. The kids, the house, my paid job. If I go to the back porch so I don’t have to hear the kids yelling or look at the pile of laundry, then I see the gardening that needs to be done,” she says.

“My husband and I have no time to connect, and everyone wants my attention. I feel dumped on,” Kingston says. “And then my in-laws come to visit. Last summer, my mother-in-law looked under my kitchen table and explained to me how I should clean it.”

As soon as the in-laws left this summer, Kingston developed a horrible sinus infection and earache from the stress.

Why do women take on this role if it’s so stressful? “Perhaps it’s biological,” Kingston says.

Science doesn’t yet offer a clear answer, Parrish says, adding that there are some positive benefits to being a multitasker.

“Women are achievers, successful in their career and family, and they can mobilize others, including family members, to achieve.”

And although some men do help with household chores, when it comes
to emotional labor, women seem to carry most of the load. As clinical psychology doctorate student and writer Christine Hutchison puts it, “Women, on average, have a PhD in emotional labor, and men are trying to pass third grade.”

Emotional Labor

Licensed clinical psychologist Marla Zeiderman laughed out loud when she heard about a mom who was at back-to-back meetings, while her husband, who was at home with the baby, fired off text questions such as “Where is the flyswatter?” and “Should I give the baby the whole pouch of purée?”

Zeiderman hears this scenario play out many times in her work at Kaiser Permanente. “I laugh, because it’s all too familiar,” she says.

“If you poll moms at home and moms in the office, you find the same stories. While there are plenty of dads involved in the household, generally it’s the mom who stays on top of everything that’s going on in the business of the family.”

The result can be toxic chronic stress, Zeiderman says, which can make you vulnerable to anxiety and depression, worsen existing illnesses such as asthma, and chip away at the ability to handle stress at all.

“I ask people, ‘Are you chewing your nails? Road raging?’ because these are warning signs that can lead to those bigger health problems.”

Once aware, women are more willing and able to break the cycle, Zeiderman says.

Talking with friends is a wonderful way to de-stress, Zeiderman says. Date nights and apps with short meditative exercises (such as Aura apps) you can do in the grocery store are a good bet, other experts say.

Shifting your priorities to find balance is key, Zeiderman says. “The worst thing
I could possibly suggest to anyone is to get up earlier to get it all done.”

Instead, women should look at the bigger picture and ask themselves how important is it to drive to six more soccer practices?

“Every successful CEO will delegate,” Zeiderman says. “Women may ask me, ‘How do I get the help I need if my spouse doesn’t even know where soccer practice is?’“

Probably the most important thing to do is sit down and work out the partnership, Zeiderman says. “Get vulnerable and tell your partner, ‘I’m overwhelmed; I can’t take all of this on,’ and then accept that everything won’t go exactly the way you want it to, but your child will probably get to soccer.”

10 Ways to Ease Your Burden

If you’re going to be the family CEO, then act like a CEO by delegating and putting systems into place that will ease your burden. Here are a few ideas to start now.

1. Streamline Meals. Declare standard meals for certain nights of the weeks, such as Meatless Monday, Taco Tuesday or Spaghetti Wednesday, and then delegate those meals to other capable members of the family.
2. Embrace the Carpool. Find another over-stretched mom at your child’s practice (trust us, she won’t be hard to find) and chat with her about the idea of starting a carpool so you each have certain nights or weeks where this task is completely removed from your schedule.
3. Get Kids Involved. Delineate clear tasks with a points system (for example: take out the garbage = 1 point, clean the toilets = 3 points, etc.) on written notecards. As each child completes a task, they place the card in a basket. Each card in the basket (or reaching a certain points mark) goes toward a reward.
4. Take Advantage of Convenience. You may just be in the life stage where it makes sense to pay a little more for the pre-cut veggies or to take advantage of a cleaning service or dinner prep service. What is a take that takes up too much of your precious time? There’s probably a convenience item or serve that can make your life easier.
5. Do Errands in One Swoop. Make a list of 10 or so errands you must do and knock them out in a single block of time. Pay all bills digitally at the same time. Pick up all cards and gifts for the next month or two in one trip. Make a single or twice monthly trip to the bank, pharmacy or post office. Try to schedule all doctor or dentist appointments at a convenient time on the same day.
6. Make Extra Meals. Cook meals in big batches and freeze leftovers for the days when there’s no time or energy to get dinner on the table. Soups, casseroles, pasta dishes and cooked meat all freeze and thaw well.
7. Get Out of Your Head. Make a list of everything that needs to get done in one place (a physical paper list or on your smartphone) in the order of priority. Just writing out the list can relieve stress that you’ll forget something and will give you a clear plan of what to tackle next.
8. Unplug at Night. Every evenings, enforce a no-electronics rule for you and anyone in your home where all devices must be closed down at a certain hour. This gives your minds time to unwind and greatly increases your odds of sleeping well.
9. Treat Yourself. Each week, choose something that you’re doing only for yourself, whether it’s a yoga or fitness class, massage, self-improvement class, lunch or coffee with friends, or a trip to the quietest corner of your local library.
10. Say No. You can’t do everything, and only you can make the decision about where, when and how to share your talents, time and energy. Say no the next request or project that doesn’t fit in or bring you joy, and do so unapologetically. (The End)

I hope this last month of summer brings you joy, peace, and simple, easy living. Just keep in mind, life goes on, no matter what~ it doesn’t matter if there’s laundry to be done and gardens to weed and shelves to dust.  I remember being surprised at the person in the mirror the week my husband left. I was at my son’s orthodontist appointment (b/c life really does keep going on) and walked into the restroom where I saw someone familiar out of the corner of my eye, and that person was me in the mirror. I think it was the fact I was someplace unfamiliar that made my own familiar reflection seem so shocking~ I still looked a lot like my old self with an in-tact family and it seemed oddly wrong to still look like the same person. I mean I looked terrible, but I was still me, if that makes sense. I took a picture of myself in the mirror (below, left) to remember what I looked like at the worst moments with the intent of taking occasional updated pics to prove to myself things were getting better. The picture on the right is one from about a week ago, which means 4 months in the divorce process. I am getting better, but I was wrong about the first days being the worst ones. Those days at least had the numbing element of shock to them. That wore off to uncover many, many more layers to deal with.

Take care friends. XOXO